I Hate Who I Am With You, So I’m Walking Away

Truthfully, I’m not sure why I stayed as long as I did. Maybe I wanted to believe you could change, or maybe I just refused to accept the changes you’d already brought about in me. I didn’t want to admit that I let you dismantle everything I’d worked so hard to build. But that’s exactly what happened.

How did I let you do this to me? You forced me to put up my guard, not just with you, but with the world. I was never afraid of pain, never scared of heartbreak. I loved openly and was loved in return.

But with you came the fear of being shattered and the walls your silence constructed around me. You shut me out so completely that I had to build these barriers to avoid getting hurt.

But that’s not love. That’s not how relationships work. I’m supposed to tear down walls, not build them.

But how could I? With all the doubts you stirred up and the walls you had, how was I supposed to stay sane?

And what about all those unanswered questions? All those times you pushed me away, leaving me teetering on the edge of our relationship?

All those times I was just an observer when I should have been your equal.

We weren’t always like this. I certainly wasn’t this frightened, shattered person desperately seeking your love. I was strong, I was bold, and I deserved more than a half-hearted love.

I was so much more than just your partner, and I miss that old me. I miss the fearless me who never shied away from love. But somehow, you broke me while claiming to love me. I’m sorry, but that’s not love.

All that silence you gave nearly drowned me, and I never learned to navigate the depths of your love. I guess the only thing I did right with you was leaving.

Because, you see, I refuse to be just another one of your exes. I refuse to be your idea of a perfect woman if it means losing myself. I won’t be your toy if it means you’ll toy with my emotions.

I’m done running from who I am. I’m done looking in the mirror and not recognizing the reflection. I deserve to be more than the shattered remnants of my former self.

I deserve love that warms me, not burns me. Love that makes me whole, not shattered. Love that gives me wings, not anchors me down.

Do you even realize how long it’s been since I last smiled? How long since I was truly happy? Of course, you don’t.

And I can’t keep doing this. I love you, truly. And I know, in your own way, you love me too. But I won’t stay with you at any cost. Not like this.

I can’t let you strip away everything that makes me me. I refuse to change for someone who doesn’t see the pain they’re causing. I won’t change for you, because you never changed for me.